So that last post was a little drab. It was a bad day. Recently, I have been really feeling the weight of my finances. With a husband in school and me not working, things have been a little tight. On top of that we would like another baby. Yes, we have one child. I was able to conceive. Once. She's my miracle baby and in a future post I will tell all about it but for now, that is all to be said.
Just because I have one child, people think that I should be happy and grateful and not talk about my infertility. As if I'm not infertile any more because I got pregnant ONE time. I always hoped that once I had a baby, it would jump start my system or something. Didn't happen. So here I am again. With that infertility thing hanging over me. Always there. Always consuming me. But, I have my sweet little girl. And I'm okay for another day. Week. Month. Year.
The day before church on Sunday had been pretty bad. I had a really long cycle and I had that hope that is time....but no. I was reminded of why I don't test. And then lesson in Relief Society on Sunday was on this talk in April's conference.
I can't even explain how much I needed that talk. It put so much in perspective to me. And I realized what I had and how blessed I am. Ever since, I have been trying to focus more on the present. To live in the now. I don't want to look back on my life and say "I wish I would have..." I want to know that I spent every day with my daughter to the fullest. I don't want to always be wishing for something more or better. That doesn't mean I don't want another child. Oh how I do. But I need to live for the one that I have. And then, just trust that when the time is right, the Lord will send me another baby.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Monday, August 26, 2013
Reminiscing
Five years ago I was a happy-go-lucky, newly wed with all my dreams before me. My life was great. I married a wonderful man. I finished a college education. I had a good job. I was on top.
Kids. Not even in my thoughts. I wasn't ready! I wanted more time alone with my husband. I wanted more time for ME.
But then the impressions came. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones you don't want because you don't want to hear it. But they weren't leaving. Baby. Children. Start a family.
What??!! NOW?! But I've only been married a few months? I haven't had enough time with the hubby?? I'm not ready?! What will people say? What will people think and not say?!
Fine. I'll talk to The Hubby. And maybe if he's felt the same.....
Oh. You too? Huh. Well okay.
And so my journey begins. Of course I wan't worried that things would take long. My older brother was a honeymoon baby for goodness sake! But they did. And then the comments and questions came.
When you gonna have kids? You're not pregnant are you? Are you 'trying'? How many kids do you want? You know it's a commandment to "multiply and replenish the earth"! You're body's not going to wait forever! Don't you want children? Children are a blessing from the Lord, you know?
Or
I'm so tired of being pregnant! I can't wait to get this baby out of me! You should be glad you waited to have kids. After six girls I decided to stop trying to have a boy!
What I wouldn't give to be "tired of being pregnant" or to be able to say "stopped trying".... (although I vowed I would never say those words)
And then the heartache came...
What is wrong with me? What am I not doing right? If I can just be perfect in my calling....my visiting teaching...my scripture study...in my faith...my tithing....my LIFE... then maybe the Lord would bless me with a child.
Did you ever noticed that when you are not pregnant and wanting to be, everyone else seems to be? And it doesn't take them as long as you? And they are always so much younger? And you are in a better position in life to raise a child? Basically it doesn't make sense, does it? No. I think that this life isn't about human sense. And most of us will probably never know Godly sense in this life. I read a quote once from Elder Maxwell that went something like this (paraphrasing here) "trust God enough to trust also His timing".
Can I trust enough to trust His timing? I think that is the hardest trust in this life. Timing. Especially when it comes to children. Timing. Whether the children come easy or whether they come so very hard. Timing. So tricky when trying to conceive. Timing - So hard to trust The Lord with, in this frail human existence. Why?
I think that this is my lot in life. To learn this principle, if non else. How to trust The Lord in his timing. Not just to trust Him, but to trust His timing. And then when I think I've got it down - I've given the only thing I have to give Him, I've trusted in Him and have been blessed. Then, He gives me another opportunity to really learn TRUST.
And so here I am. Writing this blog. And learning to trust the timing of The Lord.
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